


What If

by LadySorcha



Category: Dragon Age
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-15
Updated: 2012-11-26
Packaged: 2017-11-16 09:04:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/537763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySorcha/pseuds/LadySorcha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hawke returns from the Deep Roads and goes home. Only to find that Bethany is being taken to the Circle. She goes to see Fenris. I originally intended this to be a oneshot, but I continued it. So it's more of a story of the development of their relationship. (ongoing)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Side

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song “Dark Side” by Kelly Clarkson.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson.

We walk into Kirkwall and I smile at Varric, Anders, Fenris.

“Ah it’s good to be back. I didn’t care for the Deep Roads.” I say.

“Yes it’s much more agreeable. I’ll never understand why Dwarfs are so happy living underground.” Varric says.

“I tried to warn you about the blighted Deep Roads. Maker I swear I’m never going back there again.” Anders says with a shudder.

“Oh you say that now Blondie but if we go back you’ll be going. All Hawke will have to do is bat those eyes at you and you’ll be putty in her hands.” Varric laughs.

“I imagine I could convince you of I put my mind to it.” I walk over to Anders. I bat my eyes and grab his hand between mine. I hold our hands up to my chest. “Oh please say you’ll go back with us. I don’t know what I’d do without my trusty healer.” I pout.

Anders blushes while Fenris and Varric laugh.

He makes no move to remove his hand from mine. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Fenris. She can get you to do anything even help the Mages…”

“Could you stop talking about the blighted Mages for five minutes? It’s all I heard down there.” Fenris growls.

“Well if you’d just realize that the Mages plight is similar to the elves then I would.”

“Mages are susceptible to…”

“Enough both of you.” I grab their arms. “Go home and get some rest. You two really need some time apart. We’ll all meet tomorrow at the Hanged Man.”

“Yes the two of you are starting to sound like an old married couple. Careful you might make Hawke jealous.” Varric says smiling.

They glare at him and Varric laughs. I hide my laugh in a cough.

They bid Varric and I farewell and walk off in separate directions thankfully.

I look at Varric critically and wonder what he must be thinking. He hides it well, but I know what Bartrand did must be bothering him. Carver and I fought all the time, but he wouldn’t have tried to kill me.

“Varric are you alright?”

He sighs. “Can we talk about this later? We’ll plot our revenge on my traitorous brother tomorrow with everyone else.” He gives a wry smile.

“Well ok.” I look at him worriedly. 

“Seriously Hawke I’m fine. Go see your family they’ll want to know you’re safe and we’ll soon have the money.”

I smile. “See you tomorrow.”

He waves and heads off toward the Hanged Man. I walk through the streets in a splendid mood. Soon we’ll have enough money to buy the estate for Mother. Then Bethany will be safe.

I turn the corner and see the door to Gamlen’s house is ajar and I can hear muffled shouts. I cautiously near the house. I wonder if Gamlen got into trouble again and is being threatened again. I hear Mother crying and my heart seizes. I ease the door open and freeze with my hand on one of my blades.

There’s a Templar and Bethany is wearing Circle robes.

“What’s going on?” I ask my hand falling to my side.

“He’s taking Bethany. You have to stop him,” Mother sobs.

I take a closer look at the Templar. I think I recognize him. “Cullen?”

“Hawke. I’m here to take Bethany to the Circle. I trust we won’t have any issues.” He says watching me closely.

“But my friends and I saved you. When the recruits were going missing, we stopped the blood Mages. We rescued the Viscounts son. We helped Sebastian the Prince of Starkhaven and he’s a Chantry Brother. We’re friends with Aveline the Guard Captain. Surely all that has to count for something.”

“It does Hawke. Your sister will be treated fairly and she won’t be treated like an Apostate. Your sister is going to the Circle. She’ll take the Harrowing and if she passes she’ll join the Circle.”

“No. She’s not a danger.” How can I believe him? My idea of fair is different from the Templars. Mages are raped and beaten in the Circle. Denied their basic rights. Made Tranquil. A fate much worse than death. To be locked up and a fundamental part of you taken away. Leaving you a shell so you no longer care what they do to you.

My hand twitches longing to reach for my blades. I want to kill him. I can’t let him take her. I don’t care what he says she’ll suffer in the Circle. I hate this man. Whatever he sees on face makes him flinch and take a step back. His sits his hand on his blade. Bethany looks at me and shakes her head.

“No Sister. I’ll be fine. This was bound to happen sooner or later. I’ll be fine. I’m a strong Mage. I’ll pass my Harrowing.”

It takes all my effort to stop myself from launching myself at him. To just stand there and do nothing. My heart pounding.

“Are you sure?” I ask in a tight voice.

“Yes.” She squeezes my hand as Cullen leads her out.

I stand there feeling numb. Mother falls to her knees and I go to her.

She looks up at me. “Why didn’t you do anything? You just stood there. You could have stopped it. My little girl…” She breaks off sobbing.

I flinch and close my eyes. My hands balled into fists at my sides. 

“Leandra stop. It’s not her fault.” Gamlen says walking over to her. He looks at me. “Go on.”

I nod my thanks and run.

I don’t care why he does it. I just have to get away. I run through the streets my thoughts keeping up. I can’t outrun them. I can’t fight them. I barely notice the people jumping out of my way and yelling at me. I don’t even know where I’m going. I just run.

I stop. I stand there panting and realize I’m outside Fenris’s house. Why him? He hates Mages. I should go to Anders for comfort. But that’s not what I want. I want understanding.

I know in some strange way that Fenris will understand. He’ll understand these feelings. The overwhelming desire to do something. To want to kill someone so bad it consumes your every thought. To feel the desire for action coursing through your veins. To fight to keep yourself sane. To struggle for control of yourself instead of letting your instincts take over.

He won’t try to make it all better. He’ll know that words are inadequate right now. He won’t try to talk to me until I’m ready. He won’t flinch away from my animalistic actions. From the murderous rage I know is flickering in my eyes. He’ll let me be until I can deal with this. I know if my tenuous control over myself breaks he’ll stop me.

I pound on the door. Not caring that people are watching. Not caring if I look wild.

I hear him stomp to the door muttering and threatening. He throws the door open and sees me. I probably look positively insane covered in sweat, panting, my hair wind-blown, my face red, and anger flickering in my eyes. He just steps back and lets me enter.

He closes the door behind me and we walk up the stairs in silence. He lights the fire and sits at the table. Waiting.    

I pace feeling like a caged animal. Rage burning through my veins. A desire to do something, anything to ease my mind of some of the tension. I feel helpless knowing that no matter what I do it won’t change what happened.

A guttural sound escapes my lips. Halfway between a growl and a scream. I drag my hands through my hair. I slide my eyes over and look at Fenris. He doesn’t move but I know he watches me. He won’t let me go tearing off. He won’t let me do something stupid and make things worse. I think he’s one of the few people that could talk me down from trying. If that failed he might tie me up or knock me out.

**~~~**

I finally stop pacing and walk over to the chair across from him. Gripping its back until my knuckles are white.

“They took her to the Circle,” I growl.

“When?” he asks. I think I see a flicker of concern in his eyes, but it vanishes too quickly for me to be sure.

“Just now. That Templar Cullen was there when I got home.”

He pauses for a moment and looks at me. “You know how I feel about Mages, but” he holds up a hand to stop my tirade, “I am sorry they took your sister. She’s strong…and if they were ever a Mage that wouldn’t turn to blood magic it’s her. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

I give him a small smile. Knowing how much it pains him to say that, though I know that he means what he says. If he’s convinced then maybe it will be ok. But still…

“Cullen says they’ll treat her fairly, but he doesn’t have the final say in it. What if they assume that just because she’s an apostate she uses blood magic? What if they make her Tranquil? What if they hit her? What if they touch her?” I seethe.

“Hawke I’ll admit there are some Templars who take things too far. Some who abuse their power. But those are in the minority. Plus you’ve helped the Templars, the Viscount, and many others. You have connections. Surely that will count for something.”

“That’s what he said. That all that would be taken into account. They’re going to let her take the Harrowing, but I’m still worried.” I chew on my lip.

“I know you hate this…inactivity, but you should wait. Give them a chance Hawke. If you do anything now you’ll only make it worse for her.”

I sigh. “I know. I just feel powerless…”

“Hawke there’s nothing you can do right now without making things more difficult. There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening.”

“But if I were here…”

He cuts me off. “No Hawke. It still would have happened this way. You’re being there or getting home any sooner wouldn’t have changed it. The only thing that might have changed is your reaction to it.  You have a temper and you might have done something rash.”

I glare at him, but I’ve begun to calm down. I’ve had time and some of my rage has left. I know he’s right but it also feels good to hear it from someone else. For him to say it’s not my fault.

I throw myself into the chair and cross my arms. “Tell that to my Mother.”

“She blamed you?” Anger flashes through his eyes.

I give a hard smile. “Oh yes. For this and Carver’s death. She probably blamed me when we had to flee Lothering. You know I’m always supposed to fix things. So I probably could have tried harder to save out home.”

He bangs his fist on the table. “That’s ridiculous none of this is your fault.”

“I keep telling myself that. But it’s hard not to think what if.”

“I know. To always second guess yourself…”

I smile. “I knew you’d understand all of this. Though I don’t think she really means it. She just says these things out of grief and looking for someone to blame. Blaming someone makes it easier. I’m the one that took care of us after Father died so I’m just the most convenient.”

“Hmmm. Still she shouldn’t put the blame on you. These things hurt you too and her words make it worse.”

I blink at him. I forget how nice he can be when it’s just the two of us. I let some of my defenses down around him and I think he does the same.

“Where’s my broody elf? And what have you done with him?” I ask squinting at him suspiciously.

He laughs.

I shrug. “Oh well get your gear.”

“Why?” he asks walking over to get his sword.

“I need to kill something.”

“I understand that feeling perfectly. Though,” he pauses rubbing his chin, “Might I suggest avoiding the Gallows or any place frequented by Templars. I might have to tie you up and carry you off. That does sound a bit fun though. I’d have you at my mercy.” He smirks.

“Ooo laughs, smiles, and a joke. I’ll have to mark this on my calendar.”

 “Who said I was joking?”

“Well then you get the rope and I’ll get the Templars.”

“I though you wanted to kill something. And even though you’d love to the Templars aren’t an acceptable target.”

“Well,” I look him up and down, “There are other methods of stress relief.”

He shakes his head. Though I see a grin on his face and his cheeks pinken. “Come on Hawke. Killing things is a much…safer option.” He walks to the door and holds it open.

“Don’t tease.” I pout and walk outside.

“I’m not teasing just delaying things a bit.” He follows me outside and closes the door behind him.

 


	2. She is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song "She is Love" by Parachute.

Fenris and I enter the Wounded Coast and I sigh happily. It’s good to get out of the city for a while, even if it is unbelievably hot. There’s a slight breeze so it’s not too bad. I look over at him and see his grim face.

He came to the Estate this morning and told me he’d heard rumors of Slavers using some of the caves here. I know he’s hoping to find more clues about Denarius. He didn’t want to tell the others just yet. He wanted to scout it out first and see if there’s any truth to them.

I think he just didn’t want them to see the disappointment on his face again. There have been a few rumors about slavers, but they’ve never been tied to Denarius. He’s more open when it’s just the two of us, and it’s been better since I went to his house after they took Bethany. I think seeing me so…crazed helped him see in some ways we’re the same. I know he’s had a tough life, but I just wish he’d smile more.

It’s almost as if he’s not sure how. He’ll occasionally make a joke, laugh, but his smile... It’s small, barely more than a twitch of his lip. It almost looks like he’s uncomfortable with it. Like he’s not sure what it’s doing there. I hope with time he’ll find out.

I impulsively reach down and grab a flower. I go to stick it behind his ear, but pause. I know he still doesn’t like being touched. I don’t really blame him after what happened to him. The first memory he has is painful and of receiving those markings. His first memory is of touch and it was excruciating. He could use more happy memories. Memories of touch that don’t hurt.  

I smile and stick it behind his ear, being careful to barely brush his ear with my hand. He glares at me and I laugh.

His glare softens and I look at him trying to keep a serious face. “Smile,” I say in a commanding voice.

“What reason do I have to smile?”

“Well… It’s a lovely day. We’re strolling on a beach of sorts. You’re walking with a girl who just put a flower in your hair.”

“Hmm…” The corner of his mouth twitches up.

“Oh no I want a real smile.” I jump in front of him.

He sighs. “Hawke…”

He stops when I reach out and push up the corners of his mouth without thinking. His eyes widen. I immediately drop my hands.

“Sorry,” I murmur.

I walk off. Maker what was I thinking. I just pushed the lips of the antisocial, can stick his arm through your chest and crush your heart, Elf into a smile. Why did I do that knowing he doesn’t like to be touched? He’s been warming up to me and this will probably send him running in the other direction. I hear his footsteps behind me and feel a little relieved. At least he didn’t leave and go home.

“Hawke wait.”

I stop, prepared to see an enraged Elf before me. I start talking before I even turn around. “I just wasn’t thinking. I was just trying to cheer you up and…” I trail off when I see his face.

He looks hesitant and maybe a bit confused. Then he reaches out and sticks a flower behind my ear. The same type I placed behind his ear.

I know then he doesn’t mind, or least not too much. He opens his mouth to speak but I nod. He closes his mouth and nods back. We continue walking towards the cave in silence, but it’s a pleasant silence. After all sometimes words just aren’t needed. I look at him and find he’s looking back at me. I smile and the corner of his mouth twitches up into a small half smile. No…words aren’t needed at all.       

 


	3. Hold you in my Arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song "Hold You In My Arms" Ray LaMontagne.

I sit curled in a chair before the fire a mug of tea in my hand. I watch him pace back and forth. I pull my thin robe closer around me, the fire hasn’t been going long enough to chase the chill from the room yet. I wait for him to speak, but I know it was another nightmare that drove him to my door tonight. I first found out about them while we were in the Deeproads. It’s hard to hide secrets in a camp, especially when everyone huddled together to be close to the light of a fire.

Even after I found out he still tried to hide it, but after a few nights I finally got him to talk to me about it. He told me that can never remember his nightmares, just the feelings associated with them.  

It must be awful to be plagued by nightmares, but have no memory of them. To wake in the clutches of fear, gasping for breath, and drenched in sweat. To feel abject terror, but not knowing the cause. How can you ever hope to move past something if you don’t know what it is?

He finally stops and sits on the floor, staring at the fire. I walk over and sit next to him.

“Here.” I press the mug into his hand. “It’s a herbal tea. It will help to relax you.”

He cautiously sniffs it and looks up at me. “Mint?”

I nod and watch as he takes a small sip. He makes a pleased sound and looks at me.

“You know a lot about herbs and potions for a Rogue.”

I smile. “Yes well I grew up in Ferelden, our family constantly moving. There were many times we stayed in the woods. It’s good to know which plants are edible and which are poisonous. Which ones are rare, and can be sold for a tidy profit. Of course it helps to be able to make your own potions if you don’t have easy access to shops. Of course having Mages in the family helps as well.”

“You learned from your Father then?”

“Yes he wanted us to be able to fend for ourselves should we ever have to. He taught all of us about traps, herbs, potions, and he began our instruction in swords.”

“Why would a Mage know about swords and traps?”

“I asked him the same thing once. He told me- ‘What would happen if I ran out of Mana? Why then I’d be defenseless, but not if I have other means of protection. Traps are useful for protection and trying to escape if I’m overwhelmed by the enemy’.”

“He sounds like he was a wise man.”

“He was. I think you would have liked each other, well except for the Mage bit.” I smile.

“Would you tell me more about him?”

I nod and take a moment to gather my thoughts. “He was my hero and I was always terribly upset that I couldn’t cast spells just like he did. Then he started teaching me things I could learn and I saw that really he didn’t rely on magic much. He used it if the need arose, but… Well I think he thought it was safer to only use it if necessary. It drew less attention, if he only drew a sword. After a while he even stopped carrying a staff. It wasn’t until Bethany started showing signs of magic that he started concentrating on his magic again. That’s when we moved the first time. Then we were constantly moving until she could control her magic better…”

I break off and feel guilt. My words sounding bitter, like I blame her. I don’t anymore, not now that I understand what we were running from. I shake my head and he watches me curiously.

“He was wise, though he did have a habit of rushing into things. He was kind always trying to help people. He hated sitting still. He was strong, loyal, and protective of us. Of course he had a wonderful sense of humor that got him into trouble more than once.”

He smiles. “You sound just like him. Do you look like him as well? You just don’t bear much resemblance to your Mother and Sister.”

“Yes well I had to get the red hair, green eyes, and pale skin from somewhere right?  I’ve often been told that I’m almost exactly like him. Well except of course not being a Mage and the whole female business. Except of course for Mother who thinks I’m not female enough.”

He snorts. “Then clearly she’s not looking too hard.”

“I wouldn’t suggest telling her that. I got my temper from her.”

He raises an eyebrow. “What temper?”

“Exactly. Those who manage to invoke my wrath don’t live to tell about it.” I smile sweetly.

“I’ll keep that in mind then.”

**~~~**

We lapse into a comfortable silence. As he finishes his tea his eyelids start to droop. He jumps when I reach over and take the mug so he doesn’t drop it. I laugh and reach over and pull a blanket out of one of the chairs.

“You should try to get some sleep. I’ll keep the monsters at bay.”

He looks like he’s going to refuse, but he just nods. I gently pull him down so his head rests in my lap. I cover him with the blanket. His body is rigid at first, but then he relaxes. I breathe a sigh of relief and am utterly content to be holding him like this.

“Comfy?” I ask softly.

He turns his head to look up at me. “Very. Did your Father say that to you about the monsters?”

“He’d say that whenever I had nightmares. Then he’d tell me a story so I could go back to sleep. He had a comforting voice and I knew I was safe as long as he was there.”

He looks back into the fire, but his hand slips into mine. “I like your voice…would you tell me a story?”

“Of course.” I clear my throat. He still hears the emotion in it and gently squeezes my hand.

I begin my favorite story that Father would tell me, one about a Warrior-Princess and her Knight. I continue even after he drifts off to sleep. After I’m finished I watch him sleep. He looks so peaceful. All the hardness gone from him, he almost looks fragile.

I lean over and gently kiss his forehead and his hand squeezes mine in his sleep. My heart seizes at the love I feel for this man. I’m so glad that I can provide him some comfort.  I want nothing more than to take his pain away. So he always looks this peaceful.   

 


	4. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song “The Call” by Regina Spektor.

We’re back at the Wounded Coast courtesy of another rumor. Though this time the rumor holds some promise. For several weeks there have been sightings of Slavers in one area. They always return to the same cave and have been seen bringing elves in and out of the cave.

I look at Fenris, his face is determined. He tries to keep the hope and fear out of his eyes. I reach over and take his hand. He squeezes my hand and doesn’t pull away. I’m still a bit amazed he doesn’t pull away from touch anymore, even more amazed that now he’ll respond back.  

We make it to the caves. I reluctantly let go of his hand as we duck behind some boulders. We both listen intently. I don’t hear anything, but I look at him to see if his sensitive hearing caught anything I didn’t. He shakes his head.

“Let me sneak in first. If it I’m attacked by angry slavers I’ll probably yell, so come running,” I whisper.

His lip twitches and he places a hand on my arm. “Be careful,” he whispers back.

“Aren’t I always?” I give him a cheeky smile.

“No.”

I grin and rise up a bit. I examine our surroundings. I pick out a path to the cave entrance that will provide the most cover. I listen intently for any sounds, but all I hear is the sound of the ocean, animals, and Fenris’s breathing.

I look at him and see how on edge he is. I know how much he wants revenge, and to be able to stop worrying. To be able to stop looking over his shoulder. To be able to actually sleep and not drift in and out of consciousness out of fear of being found. I know what it’s like. I grew up knowing nothing else. I also know what it’s like to be relieved of those worries…though my relief is tinged with guilt. My relief was brought by Bethany being taken to the Circle. I shake my head. This is no time for these thoughts, there’s a job to be done.

I lay my hand on his. “We’ll find something this time. I have a good feeling about it.” I scan the area again and then dart off. I pause at each new area of cover to check my surroundings again and to look for traps. I make it to the entrance of the cave and look back to where I left Fenris. I whistle to let him know I made it and he whistles back.

I slowly enter the cave and keep myself pressed into the shadows. All my senses are in overdrive and my body loose ready to spring into action. Adrenaline courses through me as I slowly make my way deeper into the cave. So far I haven’t found any traps, so either they’re careless or they’re already gone.

I make it to an open area and pause. There’s no one around and I still don’t hear any voices. I wait for a bit and no one comes. I creep in and look around. There are remains from many fires, but the ashes are cold and damp. I sigh. Sometimes I hate being right. This place is clearly abandoned.

I continue deeper and can see another open area. This one is abandoned as well, but it shows more signs of life. There are some papers and boxes they left behind. Hopefully there will be some clues here as to where they went. I make my way back to the entrance and call for Fenris.

He walks over to me and sees my face. “Abandoned?”

I nod. “They were here, but they’re gone now. There weren’t even any traps sit up. There are two openings the first is probably where they had a watch set up. The second was more used. Hopefully we can find some clues.”

He nods and we enter the cave. He tries to hide his disappointment, but I can still see it. Each disappointment seems to hit him harder than the last. I want to help him, to comfort him. I’m just not sure what I can do. I can tell him it will all be ok, but really it might not be. There are so many things that could go wrong. He could get recaptured, should we manage to find Denarius we could lose the fight, Fenris could be…killed. No I won’t let that happen. Somehow we’ll stop Denarius even if we have to travel to Tevinter to do so.

**~~~**

Fenris digs through one of the boxes they left behind while I scan through the papers. There’s not much here, it seems what they left was unimportant. Why can’t these Slavers be your ordinary run of the mill stupid Slavers?

I put the papers in one of my pouches to give to Aveline. They are filled orders for slaves so maybe she can get something from them, though I doubt it. I sigh and look at Fenris.

“There’s nothing here about where they moved. Did you find anything?”

“No.” He pulls the lid off the last box and his eyes widen. He reaches into the box and snatches out a book. He starts to faintly glow blue and he snarls.

I edge closer and swallow. “Fenris what is it?”

“This. I recognize it. This was hers.”

“Who is her?”

“Hadriana.” He bites out the name in a voice he only uses when speaking of Denarius. “She was his apprentice. His second in command. She tortured us…” He opens the book and flips through it.

I slowly move closer. “Is there anything in there about where they moved to?”

“I don’t…” He sighs. “Slaves weren’t taught how to read.”

“Oh… Let me see then.”

He hands me the book and I start scanning through it.

“This is her journal. I’m sure there will be something in here. Let’s go to my house and we can go through it.” I put it in one of my pouches and look at him.

He nods, but the blue still lingers around him. I lean over and kiss his cheek. His arm wraps around my waist and pulls me to him as the blue fades. I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder. He looks down at me and I tilt my head to meet his gaze.

“Why?”

I’m not really sure exactly what he’s asking, but I know the answer. The answer to everything regarding him. “Because I care. I’ll always be here Fenris.”

His eyes widen and then he smiles. Not his small lip twitch, but a real smile. A smile that lights up his face and makes his eyes sparkle. “I care about you. I’m here for you.”

I smile back and we leave the cave. His arm around my waist and mine around his.   


	5. My Hands are Shaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song “My Hands Are Shaking” from the Dan In Real Life Movie/Soundtrack.

We get back to Kirkwall and he’s still holding my hand. I’m still smiling. Even when we get to Hightown and get a few stares I don’t stop smiling. I don’t glare at anyone, say anything, or respond at all. I only grip his hand tighter and he smiles at me. I know that right now he’s not concerned about them either. Right now the only thing that matters is our clasped hands. Our hands that somehow fit perfectly together. How nothing else has ever felt so right. Our hands. Him. Me. Us… Is there an Us? I desperately want there to be.

We stop outside my house and I try to open the door, but it’s locked. I can’t help it and I giggle. He raises an eyebrow at me. I pull my key out of my pocket and unlock the door. I pull him in behind me and push the door shut with my foot. Never taking my eyes off him. Thoughts of the journal forgotten.

“We’re all alone.”

We both blush. His arm slips around my waist as we head to the mainroom. I keep fighting the urge to giggle. We’ve been alone before, but this time it’s different. It feels real now.

I step out of his arm, his fingers trailing down my hip before falling away. I bend over to light the fire, but my hands are shaking. He walks up behind me and touches the small of my back.

“Not that I don’t enjoy the view, but…” My mouth falls open and I look up at him. He’s not usually this…forward. But sweet Andraste do I love it when he gets like this.

He takes my hand and pulls me up. He holds me close and fire runs through me. Energy pulsing at every spot our bodies touch.

“How about I light the fire and you get us some wine?” I feel his breath dance across my lips. His face so close and his eyes holding mine. I can’t speak so I nod. He lets me go, his fingers trailing down my arms. The pointed tips of his gloves sending delicious shivers through me. I know with a bit more pressure I’d be bleeding. I know that shouldn’t excite me, but it does.    

I reluctantly step away and head towards the cellar. Leaving my daggers and gloves on the table as I go. My mind reeling. I’ve lost the urge to giggle. Now I try to remember how to breathe.

I grab a bottle of Aggregio Pavali. I bought some because he loves it so much. After several shared bottles I’ve developed quite the taste for it myself. Tevinter may be full of Blood Mages and Slavers, but they make fantastic wine.

I head back up the steps and softly close the door. He’s bent over, adding a few more logs to the fire.

“I see what you mean, that’s quite the view.”

He smirks at me over his shoulder. I open the bottle and take a slow sip. Licking my lips I slowly walk towards him. His eyes fix on my lips and I smile. I try to calm myself. Remind myself that jumping him would probably scare him off. Though with the way he’s looking at me now I’m not so sure…

I just want those lips on mine. His body on mine. I shiver and hand him the bottle. His hand brushes mine and I notice he’s taken off his gloves as well.

He takes a drink and sits the bottle on the fireplace.

“What now?” He asks a hint of mischief in his eyes.

“Well seeing as how I’m a proper lady I wouldn’t know what to do.” I fight back a laugh as he rolls his eyes. “I mean I’m unchaperoned in my house with a man.”

He smirks. “A dangerous man.” He closes the distance between us and pulls me too him.

I lean into him. Our breaths mingling together. Tremors running through our bodies. “I’m completely at your mercy.”

He growls and slams his lips into mine. I lick his lips until he opens up. Our tongues coming together in a dance. He moves from my lips and kisses my throat. Licking my pulse point before gently nipping it.  

I gasp and tighten my arms around him, pulling myself as close as I can. It’s not enough though. I need him. His lips are traveling across my collarbone now. I lick the tip of his ear. His head snaps up. Desire flashing in his eyes. He walks me backwards towards the couch.

My legs hit the arm and I fall. My arms are locked so tight around him that he’s pulled down on top of me. We both pause. Our breaths rapid as we savor the feel of our bodies together.

I look at him and he seems uncertain. I gently wrap one leg around his hips to encourage him. That’s all he needs before his lips are crushed to mine again.

He props himself up on one elbow. His other arm wrapping around me and pulls me closer to him. I groan as the evidence of his excitement is pressed again me. My smallclothes becoming increasingly damp.

I squirm and press my hips into his. He pulls back gasping for breath. He rests his forehead against mine and opens his mouth to say something when another voice cuts in.     

“What in the Maker’s name do you think you’re doing?”

His entire body stiffens and he jerks away from me. My leg slips off him.  I groan, but not the good kind this time.

I stand up and smile at her. “Mother how are you today?”

She stands there with her arms crossed. Her glare snapping from one of us to the other. “ I asked what you thought you were doing.”    

“Well I should think that it’s pretty obvious what we’re doing.” I glance at Fenris. An odd battle of chagrin and amusement on his face. 

“How can you be so selfish?”

My head snaps back to her. “Excuse me?”

“What of Bethany? We’re finally gaining our status back. That protects her in the Circle. What will the other noble families say if they find out about this? I’ve been trying to find you a suitor. A suitable one. That will protect Bethany not this…dalliance.”

I stare at her dumbfounded before I realize what she’s getting at. I look at Fenris and he looks confused. I just hope I can talk my way out of this without him realizing what she means.

“Our family name has been tainted enough without your help. Nobles do not dally with the help.”

I gasp. I see Fenris flinch as if she slapped him. He heads towards the door.

“Fenris is not help. He’s my friend and he helped me in the Deeproads. For that matter you wouldn’t be standing in this house right now if it weren’t for him. You have no right to talk about him like that. No one does.”

The door slams. I glare at Mother. She takes a step back.

“And my family name is Hawke. Not Amell.”

I run after him.    

 


	6. I'll Keep Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s pretty clear by now that I really dislike Leandra. I didn’t mind her at first, but about my third play-through I really started hating her. 
> 
> The name Audrey means Noble Strength. I thought it suited her.
> 
> Title from the song “I’ll Keep Holding On” by Simply Red.

I burst out of the house and frantically look around. I see him turning the corner to head towards his house. A hint of blue flickers around his hands. It’s so faint I barely see it. His entire body is stiff.

“Fenris,” I call and run after him.

 We’re at his house before I finally catch up. The blue is stranger and his hands are unsteady ad he unlocks the door. He walks in and I follow.

As soon as I pull the door shut the blue flares up. Engulfing his entire body. It takes everything I have not to back away. Instead I take a breath and walk towards him. I slowly reach out and place my hand on his cheek.

“Fenris…”

Then I’m slammed into the wall. His hands locked around my arms and pinning mew there. His angry eyes boring into mine.

“I’m not the help. I’m not a slave, not anymore,” he spits out.

I force my body to stay calm. To not fight against him.

“I don’t think that. You are a free man Fenris. I’ll defend you against anyone who thinks otherwise. I’ll protect you against anyone who tries to make it otherwise. I…care about you.”

I look at him and hope my sincerity is clear. His gaze softens and so does the blue. His grip loosens, but his hands stay on my arms.

“I don’t think of you as the help or a slave. You know that right?”

“No. Not really. She just…she’s right. The nobles will talk and you deserve better than that. You deserve to have a life where people…”

I growl. “First off she’s one to talk she was engaged and ran away with another man. A Mage for that matter. Second, I don’t give two bloody blighted sovereigns what they think. They can go screw themselves. I’ll march out there right now and kiss you in the middle of Hightown. And if they have a problem with it they can just…”

He kisses me. I feel his lips smile against mine. His body finally relaxes and he wraps his arms around me. I sigh happily. When he pulls back I smile at the look in his eyes. A look full of amusement.

“Better?” He asks teasingly. I nod. “What about your sister?” His happy look fades slightly.

“This won’t affect her. The blighted Templars don’t care what I do.” He snorts. “Alright they don’t care what I do personally.” 

“They would if I were a Mage.”

A surprised laugh slips out. “Did you just make a joke? Not only that a joke about being a Mage? This is truly a day for the ages. I’ll have to tell Varric. He’ll write a ballad and mark it in the official calendar.”

He rolls his eyes at me. I cup his cheek. He leans into my hand and kisses my palm. I bite my lip. I told him I care for him, but I want to confess my feelings. I want to be his and he mine. I don’t want him to doubt.

“What is it?” He whispers against my palm.

I collect my thoughts and look at him seriously. “Before I called you a friend…but well I don’t think of you like that. You’re more to me than that. I want more. If you’ll give it.” I feel the blush creep into my cheeks and look down. I peek at him from beneath my lashes.

He’s smiling that smile. The one that makes my knees go weak. The one that’s rare and I’ve never seen directed at anyone else. His real smile. “For me it’s you Audrey. You and no one else.”

The use of my name increases my blush. Inexplicably I giggle.

“I too have a confession of sorts.”

“I knew it you really do dance around your mansion.”

“Oh yes. I choreograph fantastic dance routines. I should show you sometime.”

We laugh. I don’t say anything; just wait for him to continue.

“This…our relationship is serious now. What typically comes next, more intimate things. I haven’t ever…” He trails off. A blush on his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

I feel my mouth form into a small oh. But before he was so…until the couch. That uncertain look when he was on top of me. That was because he hasn’t had sex.

“I know what happens. I just haven’t has any…”

“Practical experience.” I supply.    

He nods, the blush deepening. I’m still not sure what to say. So I lean forward and gently kiss his lips.

“Have you?” He asks almost shyly.

I stiffen and pull away. Today was such a good day too, well aside from Mother. “Not when it mattered.”

“What do you mean?”

“Can we sit?”

He nods. We head up the stairs, his arm about my hips. He sits to work making a fire. I sit in one of the chairs. I cross my arms on the table and pick at a loose string on my sleeve. When the fire is going he comes and sits across from me.

He reaches across the table and takes my hand. He offers me a small smile. “It can’t be worse than mine.”

“It is.” I whisper. “I’ve told you we often had to move to protect Father and Bethany.”

He nods.

“Well sometimes the Templar took notice of something. Some little slip up. They’d come sniffing around looking for proof or to threaten us…or to get something.”

His hand tightens around mine. I know he can see where this is going. I look at him and he nods for me to continue.         

“The first time Bethany was ten. She was just starting to come into her magic. She could barely control it. When fire or sparks flew from her fingers she always jumped, even if she cast the spell on purpose. She’d look at me with big eyes, never sure whether to be excited or terrified.”

I swallow and look at our clasped hands.

“I was fifteen. Father was off in the woods teaching Bethany to control her magic. Carver went with them to practice with his sword. Mother was at the market. I was still home taking care of a few chores before I went to practice with Father and the twins. I was in the garden when I looked up. My heart stopped when I saw the Templar heading towards me. He said he knew about our situation, but he’d look the other way if I stepped into the barn with him. I did. After he left I sat there in shock. Mother walked in and sat her basket down. She pulled me up and straightened my dress. Then she said I did what I had to. She patted my shoulder and walked into the house with her basket. Then I knew she was there. She heard and didn’t do anything. She could have stopped it, but she didn’t. Not so long as I protected her precious Bethany.”

I choke off a sob. Looking anywhere, but at him.

“I didn’t mean that. I love my sister. I do. I’d do anything for her.”

“You did.”

I shrug and look at my white knuckled grip on his hand.

“I stayed in the barn crying until Father and the twins came home.  Carver found me. He took one look at me and ran to get Father. He healed me, though there wasn’t much to heal really. The Templar was quite gentle. He even kissed me goodbye.” I say with a bitter laugh. “Carver snuck in the barn with Father and when he heard he ran over. He dropped to his knees beside me and promised he wouldn’t let anyone touch me again. A ten year old boy with a sword about as big as he was, that made it his mission to torment me…promising to protect me while my own Mother… Damn I miss them.” I stand up and start pacing. “Bethany never found out. I begged them not to tell her. I didn’t want her to feel guilty.”

He clears his throat. “How many times?”

“Several times with that Templar. I had to keep it up until we could leave. Then there were three after him. Well three that I actually…” I trail off.

I keep pacing and when I near his chair again he grabs me and pulls me into his lap. His arms strong around me, lending support. I curl into him. My fingers idly worrying the metal of his armor.

“That’s what she really meant you know. About finding me a husband I mean. She just wants to marry me off to some noble…”

“To be used. How can she treat you like that? You’re her daughter. Family.”

“It’s always been like this. It got worse after Father died. She never let him see. After the first time he took me in the house. Carver walking along beside us. She played the concerned Mother all worrying and frantic. I flinched from her touch.”

We don’t say anything for a while. He just holds me. His hand idly stroking my back.

“That’s why she meant after Bethany was taken to the Circle. If I had been there I could have taken him off into an ally for a quick tumble. I got back while they were still there. I still could have. I couldn’t though. I finally had a new life. A fresh start. All I wanted was to let those memories fade away. I wanted to be a girl again not a tool. I hate what I did.”

“I hate that you felt like you had to. Like you were alone. That the people you should have been able to trust weren’t there to help. That she pushed you into it.”

It’s then I notice he’s shaking. I look up and see his eyes. They’re filled with anger, but also with understanding. They soften a bit when he looks at me.

“It seems we were both used,” he says in a quiet voice.

“We just have to keep holding on. Keep fighting so we don’t end up like that again.”

“True, but now we can hold on to each other.”

His lips meet mine and for once I don’t feel alone.


	7. Be Ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song “Be Ok” by Ingrid Michaelson.

I stand outside his house nervously shifting from foot to foot. I hate to tell him that there wasn’t any new information in Hadriana’s journal. I finally knock on the door. He opens the door and smiles when he sees me.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to ask payment for entrance.” He says with a smirk.

I roll my eyes and step forward to kiss him. “Was that satisfactory?” He nods and steps aside for me to enter. “You know if you want a kiss…or something more all you have to do is ask.” I trail my fingers across his arms as I enter.

I smile triumphantly when he blushes. We head upstairs with his hand on the small of my back. I sit down and he pours two glasses of wine.

“So do what do I owe this pleasure?” He asks handing me a glass and sitting down with his own.

I sigh and pull the journal out of my pouch. “I’m afraid it’s bad news.” His demeanor instantly changes when he sees it. I sit it on the table and we both stare at as if we expect it to explode. “It’s useless, only the ramblings of a mad woman.”

His eyes flash with disappointment. “I figured as much.” He cautiously reaches out and picks up the journal to flip through it.

“I wasn’t sure what to do with it.”

“I’m not sure either. Destroying it would be pleasurable… Though I almost feel compelled to know what twisted things lay in these pages. To see into the mind of one of my biggest tormentors.” He scowls with disgust and drops the journal back on the table.

“Maybe it would help. To give you some type of understanding. This could be an opportunity to start moving past what happened.”

I want him to be ok. I think if he can see how she really was…really is that it will help. Then maybe he can stop thinking of her with fear and he can see how pathetic she really is. Maybe he’ll finally realize that he truly is free and she has no power over him.

He shrugs and stares into his glass.

“I also brought you this.” I hand him another book. “It’s about Shartan. I thought maybe if you wanted I could teach you how to read.”

“Hmmm.” He studies the book thoughtfully. “I think I’ll enjoy learning more about Shartan. Then perhaps I might read the journal, maybe it will help things seem…ok.”

 


	8. I Won't Back Down

I stand outside Gamlen’s house and wrinkle my nose at the odor that always lingers around Lowtown. I sigh and go knock on the door. I hear a crash and cursing. I suppose it’s too early for him, perhaps I should have waited until the afternoon. 

He opens the door and squints at me through bloodshot eyes. “Well look who it is. What do you want girl? You must need something crawling all the way here from that fancy mansion in Hightown.”

I snarl at him and before I can stop myself snap out, “You have nothing I need.”

“You were singing a different tune when you crawled off that ship and had no one to turn to other than dear Uncle Gamlen. I let the three of you stay in my home. Your Mother fussing about everything like she used to. Nothing’s ever good enough for Leandra. I got you into the city didn’t I? Where’s the thanks for that?” He growls.

“You used us to pay off a debt so you didn’t have the Red Iron trying to kill you. You probably wouldn’t have helped us if there wasn’t anything in it for you.”

“Oh is that so. Maybe I should have left you to find your own way in then. There’s other work you could have done… On your back with your legs in the air.” He laughs.

I flinch and dig my nails into my palms. He stops laughing when he sees my pained expression.

“She made you do it didn’t she. Leandra couldn’t have everything just the way she wanted so she used her daughter didn’t she?” he asks in a bitter voice. His eyes hold a note of sympathy though. 

I shrug and realize I should want to defend my Mother, but he’s right. We both know it. I’m tired of pretending otherwise, acting like that’s not how she thinks of me. An award silence passes between us. 

“Look I didn’t come here to talk about her. I actually came to see if I could help you. Pay off a debt or something.”

I wait for his response and wonder if Carver would have ended up like this…if he’d live. I tell myself he wouldn’t that he didn’t actually hate me. That it was just jealousy, that he felt I’d taken the place he should have had as head of the family. I’m not like Mother…

“You could pay of my debt at the Rose.”

“Alright I’ll take care of it.” I turn to go, but stop. “I know you don’t really know me all that well, but well… I’m not like her am I?” 

He’s silent for a while and I wait with my back to him. Clenching and unclenching my fists. I’ve killed people, let myself be used, stolen, lied. I have friends that help me and I help them, but I worry that I manipulate them. Fenris helps me even when I help the Mages. I always try to make sure he doesn’t come on the missions that involve Mages, but… The few he’s been on he still helps even though he growls the entire time. Anders came with me into the Deep Roads even though he swore he’d never go back. Is that manipulation or friends helping friends. Or in the case of Fenris…well lovers I suppose even though we haven’t slept together yet.   

He snaps me out of my reverie. “No. You have that edge and you do what you need to, but you’re not like her. You care about others. You help people. She would never have come here to try to help. Hell I wasn’t even nice to you, but here you are… No you don’t have to worry about being like her.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Thank you.” I turn back to look at him. “If you have anything else you need just send me a message. Use this though.” I pull a seal and wax out of my pouch and hand them to him. “I’m pretty sure Mother reads my letters.  

I sigh and he rolls his eyes. 

“Typical.” He actually smiles at me.

I turn to go and he stops me with a tentative hand on my arm. “Girl…Audrey. Maybe you could stop by every once in a while. Just to say hi. Let me know you’re still alive and not being like her.” 

“Sure.” I smile at him.

He nods and goes inside.  

**~~~**

I head to my house to pick up some and smile when I see Fenris leaning against the wall with a book tucked under his arm. I hurry over to him and he slips an arm around my waist. He pulls my body against his and softly kisses me. 

“Hi,” I murmur as I kiss him again. 

I feel him smile against my lips. He moves his hands and rests them on my hips. He leans back against the wall again and looks at me. I’m distinctly aware of the press of his hips on mine. 

“You weren’t off fighting Dragons without me were you?”  

I laugh. “No I went to see Gamlen. Just to see if I could help him with anything so I’m paying off his bill at the Rose.” I take the book and see that it’s Hadriana’s journal. I look at him.

He shrugs. “I’ve been trying to read it. I think it’s the handwriting. It’s different than a book.”

“She has the writing of a madwoman doesn’t she? Do you want to come in and I can help you.”

He nods and I lead him inside. I freeze when I see Mother pacing in front of the fire. She glares at me and the glare hardens when she sees Fenris. 

“Where have you been? We need to get you ready for the party tonight.”

“I’m not going to the party Mother.”

“I told Lady Millicent you’d be there. She wants to introduce you to her son. If you don’t show up she’ll be offended.”

I take a deep breath. “Well maybe you shouldn’t have said I’d be there without checking. I have a life you know.”

“Yes,” she frowns, “And everyone sees how you choose to conduct yourself. I’ll never find you a husband at this rate.”

I can’t take it anymore. “I don’t want you to find me a bloody husband. If and when I choose to get married it will be for love. Not for some petty status upgrade. I want you to stop making plans for me. Stop parading me around like I’m some prize. Like I’m property to be sold off to the highest bidder.” I seethe and Fenris places a hand on my shoulder. I force myself to calm down and we turn to go.

“Your Father would be ashamed of you. You need to help your Sister.”

“No Father would be ashamed of you. He would have hated what I did, what you let happen.” I turn around and look at her. “He believed in freedom and love. He wouldn’t want me to do any of this.”

We stare at each other from across the room, waiting for the first sign of weakness. I won’t back down. I refuse to take it anymore. I refuse to bend to her will anymore. I’m my own person, with my own life. I’ve provided for us and now that everyone else is cared for, it’s my turn.   

“No more Mother. I will control my own life from here on out. No more parties, no more matchmaking, no more dresses. I will live as I see fit.” 

She sighs and I can tell she doesn’t believe me. We’ve argued and I’ve defied her before. Now she thinks I’ll break later, like I always have before. It doesn’t matter. I can’t explain it, but this time is different. It feels different. This time I believe me and I feel free.

“Fine I’ll go and make your apologies to Lady Millicent.” 

She brushes past me and leaves. After I hear the door slam I stand there my body quivering. I lean against the wall and a laugh escapes my lips. I can’t keep the smile off my face and wonder if I’m being completely irrational.   

He looks at me curiously with his arms crossed. “Are you alright?” 

“I’m fantastic. Come on lets work on the journal.” 

He studies me for a moment. “Alright.”

I smile at him. I’m so glad that he understands. That with him I don’t always have to explain myself. I hope he feels the same way towards me.

**Title from the song “I Won’t Back Down” by Burn Halo**


End file.
